Ah Man Blog

Where are we going? And how do we get there?

I Am Ah-Man, Man-Heart-Trust is the result of my desire to write my memoirs.  I wrote the book after I had been sober for 10 years, and it depicts how I was able to bear my continuing life experiences - death, disease, divorce, and more - while staying connected to myself, my heart, my Ah-Man, my God.  In the book, I talk about how finding ourselves makes it easier for us to understand why we are here, where we are going and, most important, how do we get there?

In last week's blog article, I talked about why I am here...my Dharma.  Each of us has our own Dharma (i.e., our personal duty), but our collective Dharma is to help find out where we are going and to help each other get there.

So where are we going?  We all are going back home, back to God.  How do we get there?  By helping each other along our individual journeys, and by following the Laws of God.  These Laws of God are not punitive; they are meant to help guide us back home.  Man is God's greatest creation.  Do you really think He left us to figure all this out on our own?  Each religion has laws. 

For the monotheistic religions, there are the Ten Commandments.  In the East, it's called "yama-niyama."

If you have questions or would like more information about the four questions of life: who are we...why are we here...where are we going...how do we get there, email me.

In the meantime, just sit back, take a couple of deep breaths and relax into the arms of God.

For more information about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit the Ah-Man Web Site.

But Why Am I Here?

For the past few weeks, I have shared the story of my life journey; from discovering who I was and why I was here at a very young age…to losing everything due to my addictions…to rediscovering who I was.

However, as exciting it was to get back in touch with who I was, it was no longer enough.  I felt an overwhelming urge to know more.  It was rewarding to be able to help others at work and in my 12-step program, and I even attended school to receive my credentials for Alcoholism Counseling.  But as I was finishing the course, I found that it wasn’t satisfying, mainly because it dealt just with the physical level of the disease, rather than the spiritual.  So I dropped the coursework…and kept looking.

Counseling others was a step in the right direction, but I still sought more.  Finally, I realized that spiritual counseling really resonated with me!  People have always told me that they feel comfortable and safe around me, and that can share anything with me.  Many people told me they wanted what I had “spiritually.”

So, I started to work with people more and more.  I was attending a workshop when I heard my angels tell me that I am to write my story. They said others would heal from hearing my story and, while I was still grieving my loss of my fiancee, I eventually followed my angels’ direction.

I began by writing my story.  I remember thinking that it was strange that, after all I had been through, I was incredibly at peace with all the pain I had caused and received during my life.  And I was amazed at how I was able to talk/write about the abuse and destruction in my youth without reliving the pain and anger.  The process of writing about it all actually healed me, and I was able to start to see it all differently. 

I began to see that all of the difficulties in my life helped me to achieve a deep, rich, rewarding relationship between God and myself.  I realized that I was here to help others to see the pain and destruction in their lives from a different perspective.

Next up:  where do I go from here?

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Finding Myself...Again

I'll pick up where I left off last week.  One morning I awoke to find I was passing blood through my urine.  I knew this was not good.  I had been on the blood thinner Coumadin since my second open heart surgery 4 years earlier.  But because of my heavy drinking (alcohol is also a blood thinner), I would often forget to take the Coumadin, and then take multiple doses when I would remember days later.

I didn’t do anything when I noticed the blood, which is typical of an alcoholic, but after a week the blood was coming out of every orifice in my body except for my ears.  I was so depressed I wanted to die, and I knew this would eventually do the job.  But once again, someone else interfered with my plans.  The woman I was living with accidentally walked in while I was urinating and saw all the blood in the toilet and screamed.  We rushed to the hospital right then.  On the way to the hospital, I asked God to either take me or to help me with my drinking.  It was the first honest prayer I had offered to God in a very long time.  As I was to learn later in A.A., all my previous prayers, made while drinking, were “foxhole” prayers, made only to get out of a jam.

After 12 days in the hospital and a 28-day stint in Rehab I jumped into A.A. with both feet and never looked back.  A.A. brought it all back for me; the spirituality and clarity I had some 14 years earlier.  It took some time and I was in a fog for a while, but the spiritual part of the program came easily.

I had to lose everything – my family, my home, my job and, eventually, myself – to appreciate what I had earlier in life.  The 12 Steps helped me get my life back in order and gave me guidelines for living while helping me to find a God of my own understanding.  But as time passed, I began craving a deeper understanding of things, e.g., who I was, why I am here, where I am going and how do I get there, as well as a more intimate relationship with God.

I didn’t want to go back to the monastery/ashram.  Although I saw many folks in A.A. return to the religion of their childhood, I knew I didn’t want what religion offered.  Not that there was anything wrong with it.  I just needed to go beyond the dogma, the rituals and the dos and don’ts.

So I began to search, using what I had learned years ago, meditating, chanting, reading spiritual books and going to workshops, taking a little from this and a little from that.  Something would satisfy me for a period of time, and then I needed to go deeper, or move onto something else.  And I ended up in the same place of discovery that I found when I 17 years old; that I was much more than a recovering alcoholic, a father, a salesperson, etc.  I knew none of those roles were going to fill the emptiness within. 

What did fill the emptiness was my meditation, my prayers, reading spiritual works, talking with others and helping others.  I knew I was much more than this “Michael” unit… this body mind unit.  I was part of a greater whole, and what was fulfilling me was the constant desire for a deeper relationship with the God of my understanding.  I wanted to meditate more and more.  The contentment and fulfillment that came with meditation and prayer was Divine.  I experienced many things while meditating.  Complete warmth surrounded me…bright light engulfed me from the inside out…a sense of being loved had tears rolling down my cheeks…I felt that I was being held in Her arms.  And I wanted to remain in that place of utter contentment more and more.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Losing It All

When we last left 18-year-old Michael, he/I had gone to an ashram in West Virginia to become a monk.

A couple of years later, I left the monastery, and it gradually became apparent that I was no longer acting from the place of who I was, i.e., a spirit soul, part and parcel of God, but rather from who I thought I was: a young man in love, and then a father, a salesperson, a husband, a provider.  It’s not that I didn’t play those roles.  It’s just that I forgot that those roles merely represented the way people identified me.  They weren’t really me; the essence of who I am. 

At first, I felt good and proud to serve in those positive roles.  But as my drinking and drugging escalated, that good feeling eroded and my responsibilities felt like burdens.

After several years of being a good father and husband, as well as the best salesperson in my company, I started to lose it all.  My drinking interfered with my family life, first, and then it affected my work.  My health began to fail and I had two open heart surgeries in my 20s.  Soon after the second surgery, I was asked to leave my home and children.   And not long after that, I left my job because of my drinking.

I had lost it all.  The gift that was so freely given me as a young teenager…the understanding of who I was and what life is meant for, in addition to all that I had, my three children and wife, my home, and my work.  All of it gone.

I soon became homeless because I ran out of money, and then overstayed my welcome at the homes of family members and friends.  Finally, I lost any sense of dignity.  I wanted to die.  I actually walked over several bridges in Manhattan, peering over the railings, but I just didn’t have it in me to throw myself off.  Maybe I was just too cowardly, or maybe there was another power greater then myself at work.  I lived on the subway and panhandled off and on.  Then, one night, a woman picked me up while I was riding the subways and took me home.

For the next two and half years I lived with her.  And despite the fact that I had a roof over my head and food in my belly, I was still running . . . running from myself.  My drinking worsened.  The thought of suicide still lurked in the back of my mind.  I was extremely depressed about not being the father I wanted to be for my children.  And an overwhelming sense of failure clouded my every thought.
 
Next week . . . how I found myself again.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.

Sweet Freedom

Back in 1973, I was given a book called the “Bhagavad Gita.”  I had been visiting a Hare Krishna Temple and talking to its devotees for a while, and they would tell me that I was not this body (the young man I was at the time); that I was spirit soul, meaning that the body was just a covering for my spirit, my soul.  I got it right away. 

I’d had a feeling for a while that there was more.  It was only a year earlier that my mother had died, six months after my dad passed away.  When I was at their wakes, and looked in their coffins, I knew that it was not the real them in there.  At the wake and at the funeral, the priests talked about my parents going to the Father, saying something about ashes to ashes . . . dust to dust.  This didn’t make any sense to me at the time.  But when the Hare Krishna devotees talked about our bodies being made of the elements and how we were much more than that, things began to click for me.  They told me that I, i.e., my spirit soul, was part of God.  I now knew that I was much more than this body.

They also talked to me about Dharma (our duty).  In essence, our Dharma is why we are here.  So in a very short time, I found the answers (which were, of course, my answers, not necessary yours) to who I was and why I am here. 

Wow!  At 16 years old, I had found the answers that many folks take a lifetime to discover!  Can you imagine?  Some people travel to faraway lands in search of teachers to help them find the answers to those two questions.  And I was blessed to stumble across them right away.  The freedom that came from this knowledge was tremendous.  I was truly rocketed into another dimension!

At the age of 18, within a year after meeting the devotees and reading some of the “Bhagavad Gita,” I left home to become a monk . . . to get more answers, to learn where I was going and how I would get there and much, much more.  I went to the ashram in West Virginia for the next couple of years but, eventually, life events and my disease of alcoholism would get the best of me and I left.  But what I learned there had given me a freedom and independence I truly did treasure.  I never lost that independence and freedom, but was obscured over the next 13- plus years. 

But, eventually, that same independence and freedom re-emerged and led me to be who I am today, a man coming from his heart, helping others to come from their Ah-Man.

To learn more about Michael Hoare and Ah-Man, visit here.